Ga'nerin's Journal
~Fan Fiction~
I've written my experiences for the New Common Library collection. It hasn't made me feel any better. Those official reports never really do justice to an event and I'd hate to have my children think that was really all there was to it, or have my great grandchildren know me only by that document. Not that I think the real tale and my real opinions will cast me in a better light, but a more natural one, certainly.
I was in Tigano with the family when it happened. Timar was about to deliver our fifth child. Everyone else was a bit nervous and testy. I was no exception. Timar made our house a sanctuary and when she was unsettled, we all were.
I'd taken them out to Sea Cliff House. It's so soothingly peaceful out there. The walls are so thick you can have absolute quiet if you choose. Throw open all the windows and doors, and the only sounds are the wind, and the surf, and the birds.
It was Filps, my steward, who brought me the news. He was quiet and confidential about it, thank the Maker! We couldn't keep it from the servants, but we never told Timar anything until we were sure she was well out of danger.
I had Filps bring the guard, the last to link in from D'ni, out to Sea Cliff so I could speak to him myself. He gave me his eyewitness account. He'd been off-duty having a meal with his friends on the roof of a building near my home. They'd been shaken to the quick by the blast and the quakes and the threat of the gas.
He described it as a noxious looking yellow-brown cloud, and said they instantly feared it as something deadly. Well, his story is on file at the Library, so no need for me to repeat it all here. It was clear from what he said that something really dangerous and dreadful had happened in D'ni. I decided it was prudent to wait in Tigano until someone linked in to tell us it was safe.
I told Filps to gather up all the linking books and let no one link back until we were sure it was safe, and I stayed with Timar until I could tell her why I had to leave. Upset as I was, it was useless to run off, leaving her alone and worried, as I could do nothing at all to help anyone.
I broke it to her as gently as I could. I think I may have hedged a bit at first. She took it better than expected, but her poor old nurse suffered badly. Perhaps that was what helped Timar. She was so concerned for the woman, she didn't think about herself as much. That and her concerns for the children. The younger ones weren't affected by anything but the tension in the house, but the older two were very upset.
I felt miserable leaving her there to handle them all alone, but I had to get back to the City to see if anything new had happened. All Tigano was buzzing with the story. No one realized then the extent of the disaster. We waited for what seemed forever. I was about to risk it, and try to go back to the dock area, as we felt it would be unsafe to use the books which linked to the house, when two guildsmen linked in.
I could hardly believe the story they had to tell! Veovis! My blood boils when I think of it! I could have strangled that man myself when I heard! Spoiled upper crust little wretch, is my opinion. The man never made a sacrifice in his life. Had everything handed to him and thought he was entitled to it. He squandered his talents, that was bad enough, but to kill off millions in some kind of tantrum of revenge is obscene! Well, enough of that. What's done is done, however sad and sorry we are. All we can do now is build for the future.
I guess that's what I was always trying to do on Tigano. I've been told by some that I'm an uncommon man. It seems to be true that I have a habit of seeing things from a bit different perspective than my peers. This has been helpful to me in practical ways over the years. It's helped me to build my business beyond what my father and grandfather had done. It's helped me to train my children to do better than I have, I hope. Most importantly, it's what prompted me to make so much of Tigano, and that has helped to save tens of thousands of my people. The cities we have here, the factories and mines have been a real blessing to our people. They sustained us until we could begin again on Araya'dora. Why just the sheer numbers of people who were already living here has been a boon to our race.
When they gave me this Age, my whole family was thrilled, as I was myself. It is a singular honor, aside from any material benefit. I had some little trouble getting around the Maintainers with all my developments and improvements, but as I am a conservative person, and treated everything with the utmost respect, they allowed it all.
I think in some ways they were glad I was providing an alternative for those of the lower classes who wanted more out of life than they could get in D'ni itself. It helps to keep the lid on discontent when there are ways to improve oneself. I think it was only a few of the Maintainers who had any real idea how extensive my developments have been. Most of the Council never paid much attention. No reason to. They had their hands full with other things.
When the two guildsmen arrived after the Destruction, I went back to D'ni to see for myself what the situation was really like. The cavern itself looked sound to me, though there was great devastation to the structures, in some areas more than others. I agree with the council that it would have taken an army of trained guildsmen to put things right in a reasonable period of time.
I can also see how the council would have been afraid to trust that the plague was truly over and the residue harmless. I can understand how they might feel a fresh start was the best thing. I and so many others were loath to give up on D'ni, though. It had been our home all of our lives, and home to our people for thousands of years. How could we simply abandon all that history? And what of other survivors, should they manage to return? To think of some being cut off from the rest of our race was horrible!
Of course I wasn't asked for my opinion when the council made its decision. I was given the orders to turn over all my Linking Books back to D'ni the same as everyone else, without a say in the matter.
Perhaps it was resentment that made me do it. It is the natural perversity of my nature, I suppose. If they hadn't sent that trifling idiot, Ba'renes, I might not have done it. He was a good hundred years younger than myself, elected to the council because he happened to be in the right guild and he had survived. He'd survived the destruction, because he'd been sent to run an errand on my Age. His guild had sent him to Tigano as much to get him out of the way, as anything else, and there was a shortage of senior guildsmen when they elected the new council. No other reason for him to be on the council, I assure you.
So, there he was, standing in my home, on my Age, alive by a fluke and sustained by my hard work, telling me what I was to do in that grating supercilious voice! It just ruffled my feathers enough to make me a bit stubborn. I stood there silently as my steward handed over all the books he'd gathered up when the order was proclaimed.
Filps had no idea there was another book hidden in the table in my library at Sea Cliff. He answered honestly when he was asked if that were all. When the pip-squeak had the effrontery to ask me if it were true, I simply glowered at him and asked him if he thought my steward was lying. He quailed, and I turned my back on him and stomped off before he could stammer out any retort.
I've never lied about it. I've never volunteered the truth, either. I hadn't actually seen that the book was still there, but knew it had to be. It had been there when the table was brought from D'ni, and as far as I knew, no one had removed it. No one else even knew it was there.
It was intended as a safety feature and a convenience. I'd needed a fast, secret means to go to and from Tigano, specifically to the library at Sea Cliff House itself, from my office down by the docks in D'ni. I had records in my library there, and other valuables to which I wanted fast easy access, and having an extra book hidden always seemed like a good idea.
The book hidden in that table would take me back to the office by the docks. The book that linked to the library on Tigano was hidden in the surface of my office desk in D'ni. Obviously no one had found it. Who would expect to find a linking book where I'd hidden that one? As I said, I'm a man with a different way of seeing things, and sometimes it's served me well.
Today, three years after the destruction, is the first time I've been back to Sea Cliff House. I've spent my time working very hard going from Tigano to the other Ages helping to develop their resources, and to Araya'dora helping there, too. We've done a great deal in a short time. A very great deal. I'll say this for Ba'renes, the little poop may be grating, but he does work hard. We've all worked hard.
I was one of the first to establish my main dwelling in New D'ni, as we're calling the underground city on Araya'dora, setting the example, as the Council requested. At the urging of the council, I even centered my business there, as it had been centered in D'ni before the Fall. They felt, and rightly I think, that it would give more weight to their government if New D'ni were the undisputed center of the empire. All the Guild Halls are being built there, and the great Guild House, the building which holds the council chambers is being built there as well.
Well, as I said, I've had my hands full with all this work, and trying not to neglect my family. Children are only young once, and what would it matter if I helped to rebuild D'ni and didn't take the time to raise my children to be decent citizens?
I've seen my elder two sons apprenticed off; the eldest had followed me into the Merchants before the Fall, and afterward the next son has been sent to the Guild of Legislators so that at least one of my sons will be eligible to sit on the council one day. I have no idea what my other children will do. Their personalities haven't really suggested anything to me, yet, though my next youngest seems to have wonderful powers of concentration.
Ah, well, I worked so hard and was so involved with my family, I simply forgot all about that Book! Though it may seem hard to believe, it honestly slipped my mind completely. I never returned to Sea Cliff, which would have made me remember. A careless comment from a young man, that made an elderly woman cry, brought it all back.
I was walking in one of the broad ways in New D'ni and stopped to rest near a globe in the lighting system. It was a huge ovoid attractively set low to the ground in an intricate base which was carved in a raised relief. The part of the base that came up over the transparent globe was carved in spires that looked very much like a view of old D'ni from across the lake. The woman had remarked about it and had tried to tell him how the cavern looked in the middle of a D'ni day. The young man wasn't as respectful as he should have been, but seeing how he'd hurt her feelings, he apologized handsomely before he fled.
I sat down on the bench beside her thinking I'd let her tell me all about it. Sometimes just giving an old person a willing ear is all they need. A few sympathetic words on my part did the trick and she spoke so eloquently about our former home, she had me longing to return as well. She turned to me and said, "It's an impossible dream even to be buried in D'ni, as the council has destroyed every last linking book back."
It was then that it rushed in on me with a jolt. I'd swear even my hair stood on end when I realized what I'd done. Observing my distress, she apologized for making me sad, and began talking about the many wonderful features New D'ni has to offer. Fortunately the dear woman assumed the cause of my reaction was the same acute feelings of homesickness she was having. She never suspected I was hiding a Linking Book!
When we parted, I got up and wandered home, though I'd been on my way to the office. When I walked in the door, looking rather more pale than usual, my wife was alarmed and talked of sending for a doctor. I told her I thought I needed a few days rest by the sea. I just couldn't face the office at the moment. I reminded her how lovely it had been to take a rest at Sea Cliff House every now and then. We hadn't been there in years.
She offered to come with me, though I knew she had many unwelcome memories associated with the place. I pleaded the need for peace and quiet. The silent house, the only sounds from the wind and the sea, were what I needed then. I wrote letters to my managers telling them my intention and putting the business in their hands until I returned.
Once in Tigano, I took my time walking the distance up to the house from the City. I took a lunch with me and arrived at the house just at dusk. By the time I'd fixed myself another meal from the preserved foods there, I was able to talk myself into going to bed without ever setting foot in the library.
The next morning I spent some time going over the house checking to see what the weather had done while I'd been away. It was hours before I could make myself enter the old library. Even then I lingered in the hall outside the door staring out at the ocean view. I opened one of the windows there and just stood looking out, breathing the fresh salt air. Then, after quite a while, I closed the window and turned to the heavy wood library door, pulled the bolts back and pushed it open.
I puttered around in there, taking up a book and thumbing through it, looking over all the old titles that lined the walls. I started to take an old book of favorite stories that my father used to read to me, and I to my children, to a chair by the empty hearth, when I gave it up. Why was I making pretenses to myself? I knew very well that the Linking Book was there. I knew I could lay my hands on it easily.
Bolting the library door behind me, though I was alone in the house, I went to one of the walls between the bookshelves, found the concealed catch, and pressed it. The panel slid silently open. Inside I took up a firemarble and lit the lamp. My guilty conscience made me close the panel, then, as well. What I was doing, could only be done in secret.
I went to the table in the center of the small room, and stared at the intricate design set into the top. I brushed my hand over the smooth inlay and actually took out my handkerchief to wipe the light fine dust away. Postponing the inevitable. With a sigh, I pressed the combination into the mosaic tiles on its surface and stood back. The Linking Book rose from inside the table as if by magic.
I stood there for I don't know how long just staring at it. What would happen if I died leaving that book like a time bomb behind me? The prudent thing to do would be to destroy it, but I can't bring myself to do it.
I thought of all the ramifications of possessing such a book. The responsibility of possessing it, of even thinking of using it was tremendous. Through this book I could inadvertently bring back to Tigano the terrible illness that had helped to decimate the D'ni population in the Destruction. I could make the way for evildoers such as Lord Veovis' fellow conspirators, whose fate we never learned, to come here, accessing the rest of our civilization and again putting us at risk. If nothing else, just possessing this book would be enough to ruin me. The council would take a dim view of it, I'm sure!
It was also possible that humans had delved down into D'ni, discovering our city and learning from what was left of all the many things we couldn't bring with us. Perhaps they were there now. What if I should I happen upon them and lead them back here, again initiating contact between us? I am not one of those who in any way blames Ti'ana for what happened, but I have no desire to be responsible for introducing other humans among us.
In spite of all the risks, all the warnings I have hammered into my brain, I couldn't stem the rising urge to see what was there. To know for certain what D'ni looked like now, three years after the destruction. Was it as bad as I remembered. I couldn't silence the hope that others had survived and returned and rebuilt the city.
I took the volume in my hands, savoring the feel of its silky leather, and slowly opened it to the right page. The panel still glowed and through the window I could see a monstrous pile of rubble lit from behind by a murky light. A ghostly nightmare scene spring to life in my imagination of what my beloved D'ni must now be like.
I quietly closed the book and returned it to its hiding place. I couldn't go there. I couldn't destroy the book. The old woman's words came back to me. Her words about being buried in D'ni. I thought of all who had died there and it did seem to me as if it were a tomb of sorts. Hundreds of thousands had died, and so had our way of life in that cavern.
I returned to my library desk to write this journal, this explanation for my children should I die with this story unconfessed. I'll put this journal there in the secret book room. No one living knows of its existence. Someday, perhaps, I'll know what to do. Someday perhaps I'll return to D'ni. Dangerous as it is to keep that book, it comforts me to know I have a way home, if I choose to use it.
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